DLOBML CHAPTER 1

Chapter 1 — That Bald Donkey | Master, You Change Faces Fast! The Oscars Would Cry!

The story opens like this.

Time: three in the morning.
Place: a lonely stretch of wilderness.
What’s happening: beneath a tree there is a man and a woman, and a third presence.

Up in the tree, someone lay lazily draped over a branch. Her deep teal robe blended into the night so completely that the pair below did not notice her at all.

She thought, Nice pose. This is getting entertaining.

She held her breath and focused, then—

Crunch, crunch. She started cracking sunflower seeds.

Might as well put on some music to set the mood, she thought.

The couple beneath the tree sensed something was off. Still, at this late hour weird noises were normal enough.

They were a middle-aged pair having an illicit forbidden rendezvous. While everyone at home slept, they had sneaked out to the dense woods to meet. Afterwards, the woman curled up against the man with a satisfied little coo.

“Li ge, when are you going to divorce that tigress at home? I do not want every meeting like this, sneaking around in the wild. If a big beast jumps out, what will we do?” Her voice could practically drip.

The older man was clearly a veteran of the romantic battlefield. He dodged the divorce question with practiced vagueness, wrapped his arm around her waist, and murmured with heartfelt affection, “If a big beast did come, that would be perfect. Neither of us would escape, and we would die together. If we cannot share a bed in life, then at least in death we will share a tomb. I would have no regrets in this life.”

The woman in the tree rolled her eyes.

Of course, fools in love never see it that way.

“Li ge!”

The woman was a wreck of emotion, and the two of them, their gazes locked, tumbled into each other.

Then suddenly, thunder cracked.

Both of them shuddered like dead fish.

The person above barely kept from laughing.

Called it. That will teach you to act up. Maybe now lightning will strike you.

The older man swallowed and forced himself calm. He put on an earnest face and said, “Heh, the wind has picked up. Maybe it will rain. It’s brave of you to stay with me here. Besides loving you, I can think of no better way to repay you.”

He went on charming the woman, and they rolled together in the leaves.

Of all the lines someone could pick, this fellow hauled out the classic thunder-swear romance line.

“Aling, I love you. Even if the seas dry and the rocks crumble, I will not leave you. If I break this vow, let heaven strike me with thunder and, then I will die a terrible death.” He swore in a solemn voice toward the sky.

Boom.

A white flash. A bolt of lightning struck a pine tree a meter from them. The tree was split in two and smoke curled up, sharp and choking.

Holy sh**.

Holy sh**, holy sh**, holy sh**!

The old man nearly peed himself.

But in front of his newly won woman, could a Real Man chicken out?

Of course not.

The old man drew in a breath and ranted at the sky like a drunken soldier. “You are f***ing insane! What business is it of yours if we fall in love? If you hate it so much, then go find yourself a girlfriend, be the world’s biggest nuisance, you pompous jerk. Bah, you deserve a hundred years of being single. No, make that a billion years!”

Then—

Boom. Boom. Boom.

Xing Ge crossed her arms and watched with great interest as the man ran through the forest naked, sparks and flashes following him. It was quite a show.

Nice work, little lightning.

She put her hands on her hips and laughed out loud. Then a silver flash tore through the air.

She had been struck by lightning.

Pride comes before a fall, indeed.

“What the f***!”

This shameless heavenly calamity tried to sneak attack her. Could nobody let her have a peaceful, joyous tribulation???!!!

She flipped the bird and cursed with one hand, and with the other she produced a compact black umbrella of exquisite craft.

The umbrella was called the Nine Heavens Lightning Nullifier. Its ribs were made from the bones of a fallen divine clan, the canopy from the hair of an excellent flying demon king. It was sturdy, durable, and portable. A perfect household item for travel and destruction.

From now on, mom need never worry about me getting struck while eavesdropping.

Xing Ge descended as if parachuting, light and effortless.

Safe landing, perfect.

Xing Ge was a cultivator from Earth whose greatest wish was to ascend to the heavens. Now, after countless ages, she had finally come to her final trial, the Heavenly Tribulation.

To prepare, she had pillaged many secret clans for their treasures. She had gathered thunder-binding ropes, lightning-swallowing boxes, and dozens of lightning-resistant artifacts. Ha, not afraid of a tribulation that cannot kill me.

She even smugly produced a thunder-reflecting mirror and redirected bolts back toward the sky, making the little lightning creatures squeal.

Then everything went wrong.

The little thunderlings ran off crying to the bigger thunder king. Thus, the big ones were furious! How dare this human threaten the dignity of our thunder clan? Unforgivable. Weapons, attack. Kill her.

Xing Ge looked up at the blackened sky. Thousands upon thousands of tribulation clouds piled like oil, blotting out the moon and stars so that not even a sliver of light could be seen. Sand and stones whipped across the ground. It looked like the end of the world.

Uh, big guys, can I still apologize and back out now?

Boom, boom, boom.

Die, you lip-smacking human!

Her precious artifacts crumbled into powder under the onslaught.

What the f***, these things were expensive!!!

“Pay up or I will bite you!”

A crazed glint appeared in Xing Ge’s eyes. She shook her Heaven-and-Earth Spear and, with her ruined body and bloodied flesh, charged to face the final heavenly punishment.

A wave of destructive pain surged through her limbs, like tidal waves tearing at her bones. She felt as if the lightning had shredded her into meat paste. Was this how it ended? Everything for nothing? No. She would never accept it.

Her survival instinct screamed. Xing Ge pried bloody eyes open. With the last of her strength she poured everything into the Heaven-and-Earth Spear and hurled it at the tribulation clouds.

Pay me back, you bastards! Pay, pay, pay!!!

Boom.

The spear punched a great hole in the sky.

She let herself faint with relief.

......

...

Xing Ge was awakened by the sound of chanting behind her. She was grumpy in the mornings and kicked out of sheer impatience. “Bald donkey, stop chanting. Go away. Do not disturb me sleeping.”

The person who had been kicked did not take offense. His voice was gentle and affectionate.

Xing Ge opened her eyes and found herself in a white space. Not far away a handsome monk with a vermilion mark between his brows smiled at her.

“Who are you?” she asked, immediately on guard.

From the handbooks left by ancestors who had ascended, she knew the ascent to the heavens involved more than surviving lightning. One must also deal with the gate attendants who sometimes skimmed off the honest cultivators’ rewards. The man before her looked righteous, but there was no telling whether he kept crooked secrets. After all, there are such things as beasts in human clothing.

“I am Brother Jingxing,” he said.

His irises were like glass that bent light. As his lips moved, colors seemed to play within them.

Xing Ge looked at him for a long time and finally said, “You do not look like a good man.”

Since when did monks look like seductive demons? If all monks looked like him, the salvation of sentient beings would turn into the seduction of sentient beings.

The man was startled. His soft, tender expression changed immediately. He put on a cold, severe face and said, “Hmph. You have an ability. Since you see through me, I will not pretend anymore.”

You changed faces fast, Master. The Oscars would cry. Can you take it back?

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