DLOBML CHAPTER 5

Chapter 5 — F*** Your Abusive Romance (3) | Mom, It’s Another Bunch of Flirty Lunatics!

When Xing Ge came back this time, she found Ji Dan squatting gloomily in the corner, clutching a tiny mushroom like his world had just collapsed.

Uh… surely that had nothing to do with her, right?

“Lord Egg?” Xing Ge called cautiously.

The egg turned around, wearing the tragic expression of a woman abandoned by her husband.

“…”
She was pretty sure she hadn’t done anything heartless, though?

Also, could an egg not make such disturbingly human expressions? It was seriously creepy.

“Number 740,” Ji Dan said in a ghostly whisper, floating up beside her, “were you sent by the Heavenly Emperor himself just to drive me insane?”

Xing Ge blinked in confusion. She mentally reviewed her last trial. She hadn’t done anything wrong! For ten whole years she’d behaved perfectly, as a quiet, brooding, handsome man living peacefully in the vampire prince’s castle.

Ji Dan abruptly switched from ghost mode to tragic heroine mode, hugging her leg and sobbing dramatically.

“740, please have mercy on me! I’m just a fragile little egg! My poor heart can’t take this kind of trauma!”

After a long pause, Xing Ge sighed, crouched down, and asked, “Alright, what did I do wrong this time?”

They had only met once, right? How could things possibly have gone off the rails again?

Ji Dan wiped away nonexistent tears, his tone trembling. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done? With one word, you triggered the heroine’s deepest insecurity! She was already uncomfortable about being an older woman dating a younger man, feeling she didn’t deserve him. Originally, she was supposed to meet a bunch of attractive men and women later, which would help her regain confidence and finally decide to stay by the male lead’s side. But you... you were the first vampire she met during her escape! And you actually called her auntie!’”

“…”

She had only told the truth.

Seriously, that heroine looked middle-aged at best. No skincare, no effort, she looked like she was in her forties! What did they expect her to say? “Big Sister”? Ugh, that thought alone gave her chills.

Ji Dan’s voice turned even more mournful. “Do you even realize what else you did? You’re the first vampire prince the male lead ever met, which means you’re inherently appealing to him! And what did you do? You actually flirted with him! Don’t you know you’re wearing the most stunning body among all vampires? Prince Karen’s charm transcends gender! Especially when the male lead only likes the heroine but hasn’t fallen in love yet—you total rotten egg!”

“…”

“Okay, fine,” Xing Ge muttered, “but the male and female leads still ended up together, didn’t they? Doesn’t that mean everything’s fine?”

Ji Dan wailed in despair. “740! Because of you, the heroine’s self-esteem shattered! She still loved the male lead, but after you humiliated her, she stayed in his castle timidly, never daring to step outside. The lively charm that made him fall for her disappeared under all that meekness! And the male lead, who had just awakened to feelings, got distracted by you! He even had daydreams about you! With both of them acting like this, their story went completely off script!”

He jumped three feet high. “Heaven above! Earth below! Can’t you just be a normal cannon fodder for once?!”

Watching Ji Dan gnaw furiously on his handkerchief, Xing Ge actually felt a little guilty, as if she’d committed a crime against storytelling itself. She coughed lightly. “Alright, alright. Let’s try one more time. I swear I won’t cause trouble this time.”

Ji Dan eyed her suspiciously. “You swear?”

“Of course!” She even raised her hand solemnly like a kid pledging allegiance.

And so, Student Xing Ge began her third newbie trial. How exciting at the same time how tragic.

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“Congratulations, nephew! Finally married, huh!”

“Haha, you better drink more later!”

The sound of cheerful blessings filled the air. Xing Ge rubbed her temple and slowly took in her surroundings.

Modern world. Wedding hall. Guests everywhere.

Her stomach dropped. She looked down at herself and sure enough, she was wearing a white tuxedo with a bright red rose pinned to her chest.

Holy sh**!*

She was the groom?!

Flipping through the script, a few dark lines practically slid down her forehead.

Lord Egg… you’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?

This time, it was a half-bitter, half-sweet marriage drama. The setup was pure soap opera gold: the heroine, freshly dumped by her boyfriend, went drinking at a bar. Maybe the alcohol gave her courage, because the timid girl mistook the male lead for a gigolo. After one passionate night, she panicked, left behind a tiny bit of money, and fled. For the dignified CEO of Wei Corporation, that single hundred yuan only fueled his interest.

Oh, you wicked little minx…

And of course, in true melodrama fashion, the male and female leads were from completely different worlds. How could they possibly meet again? Simple, one night was all it took. The heroine ended up pregnant. Emboldened by her “motherly glow,” she found work in Wei Corporation as a secretary, thanks to a friend’s recommendation.

Terrified that the male lead might recognize her, she tried hiding her face every day. Naturally, the man saw through her disguise immediately but said nothing. For some reason, he found her adorable.
Right. Because brain damage was clearly contagious in these kinds of stories.

Later, after a few misunderstandings, the heroine believed the male lead didn’t want the child. Furious, she decided to marry her old college classmate who’d secretly loved her, hoping he’d protect her and the baby.

Which led to today’s wedding.

The more Xing Ge read, the deeper her frown grew.

This wedding was supposed to be the turning point in the male and female leads’ relationship, but also the beginning of pure hell for the poor cannon-fodder groom.

The first to crash the wedding was, of course, the male lead. Furious that the heroine dared to marry someone else, he publicly mocked the groom for “picking up used goods,” turning the ceremony into a complete farce. The groom’s parents, the Chen family, lost all face in their social circle and were laughed at wherever they went. The heroine, too, was humiliated but the kind-hearted Chen Feng protected her, and the two managed to share a brief period of peace.

Then came the horror show.

The heroine’s entire family turned out to be freeloaders. Every few days, a new batch of relatives would show up at the Chen household to borrow money. Even a wealthy family couldn’t handle that many leeches. When they were refused, they went to Chen Feng’s company to make scenes, trashing its reputation. Chen Feng was furious, but under the heroine’s teary “don’t be so mean” attacks, he gave in every time.

Mrs. Chen, however, wasn’t nearly so forgiving. Her son’s hard-earned business was being eaten alive by parasites, and she blamed her new daughter-in-law for everything. The two clashed constantly.

The heroine, exhausted and resentful, thought, I already married someone I don’t love, how dare you still yell at me?! Eventually, in one heated moment, she pushed Mrs. Chen down the stairs. Mrs. Chen became a vegetable.

And that wasn’t the end. Mr. Chen, who accidentally witnessed the heroine and her ex tangled up together, was hit by the male lead’s “accidental” car and was instantly hospitalized.

It got even worse. The heroine had a lowlife friend she gave Chen Feng’s money to, so he could “start a business.” She even leaked Chen Feng’s confidential project to him, which tanked the company.

When Chen Feng confronted her, she snapped, “He’s pitiful! Can’t you show a little compassion?” The poor man was so enraged he coughed up blood, while the heroine, crying and saying he didn’t “understand her,” ran straight back into the male lead’s arms.

To comfort her, the male lead decided to “teach Chen Feng a lesson.” A few subtle moves later, Chen Feng and his parents were left destitute, wandering the streets.

Xing Ge stared at the script in disbelief.

Why does this world feel like it’s built by psychopaths?!

She buried her face in her hands and groaned.

Mom… it’s another world full of flirty lunatics!

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